My frustrations were becoming palpable and I wasn’t even bothering to hide them anymore. Reckless.

J: “I think you resent the fact that I’ve extricated myself . It’s not personal, but I will never allow myself to be vulnerable enough to be hurt by people or their comments”.

S: “Resent? That’s putting it lightly. U betrayed me. U left me behind when you went off to Uni; I cried to death cos we were so close. U preserved the bond as much as you could but you pulled away each year and I felt that was so selfish of u. But wen u need me u call me. Which doesn’t even happen anymore. You’ve side-lined me in your life and I never thought that out of all the stupid siblings, you would do that to me”, Shez texted.

M: “But what did he replace you with?”, replied my other sister.

S: “I don’t hav to be replaced, just don’t feel important to u anymore. And about all of this….Islam is nothing if we don’t preserve the bonds Allah gave us first”.

J: “No one left you behind. I developed my inner self. Became independent. I’m still here when you need. I thought calling when in need is normal”.

M: “I felt like that at first tbh, but then  I thought J has seen and experienced far more in his life, and just accepted us and our mundane lives”.

J: Ur lives aren’t mundane, they’re just not mine”.

S: “I don’t NEED you per se J, I just miss u in my life. U were special. But the way you are these days u don’t even feel special anymore”.

J: “I’m not special. Neva was. I’m a low-level nobody just like any other fool”.

S: “One day we will all be alone…and then we will realise who loved us of their own accord and wanted our company. Being loved is a gift. And you were special to me J, as my little brother”.

J: “I needed to break away from the extreme high standards u all held me to. I was suffocating and crushed under it. I have my reasons for distancing myself. I’m not ready to explain just yet, but I will if I have the courage. But I plead with u: PLEASE DON’T PRESSURE ME TO CONFORM”.

S: “M, u didn’t have the same relationship with him as I did”.

J: “I need my space, my personal place, career. I need them to be separate from my family, cos our family is all-consuming. Drama that stems from mum and dad”.

M: “S, why don’t you allow him the distance?”.

S: “I am not hindering him from anything. I’m saying that he doesn’t care about our relationship anymore and I don’t know why and it is so painful. J, I hope u never feel this feeling. Ever. The biggest slap in the face is that I thought I was someone different in his life, but it seems I am put in the same box as everyone else that he ‘needs’ distance from. If you need distance from me, then it makes me wonder if I ever made a good impact upon your life. All I was doing was taking an interest in your life”.

J: “Its not about you, it’s about me, why can’t you see that? It’s about my personal journey. It can’t be shard cos then it wouldn’t be my way of developing. Please don’t take it to heart; I am afraid of letting you guys down.  I just prefer my own company. I am tired of the Dunya (Arabic, world) and the daily grind.

I just feel like all you do is hound me with all these marriage CVs. First it was M and now it’s you. I was like, you of all people should understand not to badger me about this. How many times have I said to drop the topic. Then  at mums I said to you all that I will do things my own way. It’s like I have to repeat myself every time I come visit”.

S: “It wasn’t badgering; I didn’t know how u felt. I didn’t know you were so abhorred by it. If you just talk to me as a friend like you used to then I would understand!”

Does this narrative sound familiar to you, dear reader, whom may be struggling with their sexuality?

TO BE CONTINUED…

The Pragaymatic Muslim

• High School Chronicles (8)
• His-story (14)
• Pluralism (1)
• Prelude (2)
• Revelation (2)
• Turning point (1)
• Uncategorized (0)

1. 

   Ahahha. Thank you dear reader. Please do forward this on to those whom you think may benefit. High school is…

2. 

   Oh can’t wait for the next part. Very captivating.

3. 

   Merci beaucoup. If it pleases you then I will strive to compose more. Please spread the word and invite others…

4. 

   I like reading these!

5. 

   […] about how to suppress and repress the dark thoughts and suicidal ideations that plagued me at the turning point…