Brown-eyed girls and blue-eyed boys. You really cannot help whom you like…can you?
Trust me, you just know. But it’s best to suppress it compress it repress it and label it AVOID stored away deep with the temporal lobes.
Boys are not supposed to want to be girls. But I am a boy and a boy I want to be. Joe has really nice blue eyes, or were they blue? Dunno, they’re hazel I think, but the lashes are so thick and curly when I look at them and he is looking down and his hair is brown and I know it’s soft and spiky hair but then his skin smells like soap and I miss him.
Wait what?
He was waving bye-bye at home time and was looking at me as I was looking and then I smiled and waved and he smiled aswell. And we always sit together in class and I think about him all the time because he is my hus- no! He is my friend. I mean I think I like him to be my husband. In our religion you get married.
Mr Year-5-teacher has nice lips and beard and he is big and tall and I like him. Shit, he looked at me and I know he liked my eyes because he said to me “you have really nice large eyes “, and he looks at me sometimes when I suddenly catch him and he looked away. Shall I kiss him?
Yasmin came to school. She was from another country. Was girly. Had brown hair and always she would be flicking it. And really large sparkly brown eyes. A bit spoilt though, like a princess. She got upset so easily. She used to be nice to the white ones in my class. And I said I like her because they asked who I liked and I said Yasmin because all the boys liked a girl in our class. I don’t know if I like Yasmin.
Can’t show to everyone that I like Joe. I like thinking about wearing high heels and a Gagri (Indian skirt). Let’s pretend that I have nice dresses and I am kissing Joe. And I am lying in the bed with Joe. Adam told me about that. He said that when you like someone you can go to bed with them. Pretend that I am a girl and I am with Joe. Because I think Joe likes Rachel or Sheree. But it is just pretend. I don’t wear dresses.
Anna has long blonde hair and she smells really nice and Loren really likes her he said he did things with her. She likes Sam I think and he said he did things as well. Dunno if it is lies. But stupid Adam keeps telling me to tell Anna that he ‘loves’ her and he wants to marry her. But he has stinky breath. So disgusting I feel like vomiting when I smell it. She doesn’t like Adam because he is Indian. But he isn’t because he is Bengali. I cried with Joe when we had to leave year six. I said I will miss him a lot and he said he will miss me too. I love Joe.
Can’t show everyone that I like Joe
These are the thoughts and feelings of a young boy aged 9 to 11 who knew that what he knew he had to pretend was not true. Funnily enough it was done without remorse or guilt. Just the way Mum cooked and cleaned and Dad worked (before his quadruple bypass), everyone had a role and this was mine. Pretend.
The Pragaymatic Muslim
Ahahha. Thank you dear reader. Please do forward this on to those whom you think may benefit. High school is…
Oh can’t wait for the next part. Very captivating.
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I like reading these!
[…] about how to suppress and repress the dark thoughts and suicidal ideations that plagued me at the turning point…
The Pragaymatic Muslim 
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