If you can recall that Yellow Card of Names of Ninety and Nine then I know you are truly paying attention to this Pragaymatic Muslim😉. Dust choking me, I ask the ether how it is that I am dusting this bookshelf twice in a week. Like, I work, outside, long hours. So when am I ever home in order for all this dead skin to accumulate. Unless…the resident poltergeist is knocking about my place (would explain the odd noises at night, and random books toppling over), or, squatters occupy the residence. I’ll take my chances with the poltergeist; at least that can be exorcized away.

It slid out. Just slid right out and fell onto the floor. What [cough]….is this….[cough, splutter]….I reach out and OMG WHAT ON EARTH IS THIS DOING ON EARTH?! It was sandwiched inside or between some books which I clearly never read twice. The books have survived at least 4 home moves, and so proves that this yellow card remained hidden all these years. Having completely slipped my mind, around 9 years or so ago, I cannot believe I am seeing this. Just checking…nope, not an illusion/delusion/hallucination/imagination or any other sion/tion in the English language; this card is real. Tracing my fingers over the Lord’s names etched on…I tremble and shiver…but it’s the height of Summer…my voice box descends lower and I can’t swallow because the pressure against the swallow hurts. I clench my teeth. Tight. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t cry any more tears, because at this point in my life I am depleted, I can’t rise above the despair anymore. Insurmountable walls of despair, and my fingertips are blistered and bruised; testament to how I have clung onto whatever sanity I could for fear of losing my grip on reality altogether…

Re.ee.wind.

The few years leading up to that fateful WhatsApp convo between myself and my sisters [see  Despair and Darkness] were, as you recall, tumultuous. Hanging onto my faith by threads no more than mere gossamer, wondering how the religion I clung to for answers could be mute on the topic of practical homosexuality. The darkness was within me and I think I abandoned learning Allah’s names; I had forgotten the fruits of that endeavour ever existed. The psychological and emotional process of my accepting and then coming out is a story I am breathless to divulge to you, dear reader. I am literally at the edge of my seat right now as I think about how I will translate the memory and emotion into pixels for you. But everything has its own time and place. And now, all that is necessary to know, is that after I had accepted that Allah does not make mistakes, and therefore I, as His creation, was deliberately the way I am, I was graced with the enthusiasm to reconnect with my maker. And one of these forms of reconnection manifested as the collection of lists below.

One day after Isha salaah (night prayer) in Ramadan, I decided that that nights i’badah (worship) would be my attempt to catalogue my Lord’s names into broad categories. This doesn’t really exist anywhere except here. I mean websites cite that some names stem from the same root word, or that they are similar in meaning and therefore are grouped together as aide memoirs for remembrance purposes. I did a quick Google search on how to catalogue/group the names and it lacks even a single worthy image. My categories are broad and perhaps overlap, but please, this is not an assignment, chill.

I wish to convey to you what I discovered about my Lord, so please cast your eyes over the list on the lower row, centre page: PUNISHER. In fairness, this was a sort of first-and-only attempt, and so is pretty crude. Let me explain.

Ad-Darr: The distressor.

Al-Khafid: The one who humbles the haughty.

Al-Muzill: The dishonourer.

Al-Muakh-khir: The one who delays/holds back.

Al-Muntaqeem: The avenger. Seriously, it is. But I prefer The one who inflicts retribution.

Al-Mani: The witholder.

Allah does not make mistakes, and therefore I, as His creation, was deliberately the way I am.

To better understand this list, it comes under the rubric of mercy. Revelatory texts describe the use of these specific attributes/names when the oppressed were delivered justice. I.e. against the wrong-doers, not against the innocent, God-conscious people. For example, don’t be haughty or you will be humbled. Similarly, if you proceed to dishonour someone or a covenant you hold, then remember God is The Dishonourer. If things are delayed (Al-Muakh-khir) then it was deemed better for you. Alternatively, if you are undeserving of something, then it is witheld (Al-Mani) from you until it isn’t.  Actually, the list should have been headed ‘Justice’ or ‘Just Desserts’. But Allah already has that specific name , The Just, which holds its own. The only name that remains is Ad-Darr. The distress that’s brought forth acts like a deterrent for wrongful behaviour. Everything is temporary, and so too any test from God is also temporary, if the subject of said test learns their lesson. Remember the rubric, mercy.

Wait, I am arriving at the crux of the whole point of all this, but please just indulge me a few more lines.

I love the fact that the heavily subscribed groups are Love, Mercy, Supremacy and Wisdom, followed closely by Majesty, Sustenance, and Creator. I only have a single list with 1 attribute remotely related to punishment. So what? What was I looking for? I’ve grown up hearing people say that God hates gays i.e. He is a hater. I’ve also heard people adamantly profess the fact that they speak on behalf of God. Well, which one of His attributes that He described Himself by, means The Hater? Or, The Mute, which therefore required man to speak for Him?

I was actively searching if God was the ‘hater of homos’ somewhere amongst all this. But actually, the only homo hater here, is the homosapien.

The Pragaymatic Muslim

• High School Chronicles (8)
• His-story (14)
• Pluralism (1)
• Prelude (2)
• Revelation (2)
• Turning point (1)
• Uncategorized (0)

1. 

   Ahahha. Thank you dear reader. Please do forward this on to those whom you think may benefit. High school is…

2. 

   Oh can’t wait for the next part. Very captivating.

3. 

   Merci beaucoup. If it pleases you then I will strive to compose more. Please spread the word and invite others…

4. 

   I like reading these!

5. 

   […] about how to suppress and repress the dark thoughts and suicidal ideations that plagued me at the turning point…