“I know Jubs. I know you tried…”.

“For years I have been battling,  I wanted to kill myself. I ain’t into women😞 Shez, I just wanna die”.

“It’s your jihad“. (Jihad = Islamic concept of spiritual struggle).

“Sometimes I don’t eat for a whole day. As a punishment to myself”.

“Don’t do that to yourself. Allah gave it to you and He loves you”.

“You don’t understand, it’s goddam torture”.

“You know I’m here for you no matter what, cos I know YOU”.

“I can’t believe I pushed you away Shez. I’m so, so sorry. Ur so wonderful in my eyes. But I was terrified”.

“I knew there was a reason cos I know you. What? Shut up. As would I, you know”.

“Anyway, I’m over it now. I cba with this depression no more. It’s so last decade. Allah knew what He was doing when He made me and I trust that”.

“Yes He did, and it’s His plan. Every single test we have within is a test for humanity also”.

“I was even prepared for you to toyjjo fotro me”, (toyjjo fotro = Bangla term to excommunicate/divorce).

“Did you reaaaaally entertain that as an option!?”.

“It is wat it is. I’ve stopped asking why God why. I would stay awake for hours just trembling. I’ve cried everything I have. I’ve clutched the Qur’an to my chest with the window open….thinking of jumping”.

“What if you had!? I wish you never went thru it alone Jubs. But I can see why…maybe it was a journey you needed to do alone to make you stronger”. Have you found sukoon with Allah’s counsel?”, (Sukoon = Arabic word meaning tranquillity/rest).

“I’ve spent weekends sat on my sofa in darkness. I’ve spent nights sobbing so bad, that I’d get headache and pass out. That’s the thing, after the sobbing…I feel peace“.

“Mental health is so fragile Jubs…..guard it. Don’t hate who you are”.

“This Ramadan was spectacular…at Taraweeh (voluntary prayer) I was weeping as I was thinking about Dad…and then this whoosh came over me as if time had stopped…”.

The conversation continues, but I am tiring of the quotations and grammar, so prose it is. That moment standing in prayer, I felt a presence. For so long I was doing the activities of daily living in a daze, a person looking in. But this whoosh was as if I had come back to rest within myself.

“I love Allah, and Allah loves me”. That was it. It was so elegantly simple. “He made me, cherishes me, and fashioned me with purpose. I am His creative excellence“.

REST.

I remember astonishingly clearly, the voice that spoke to me in my head somewhere around the beginning verses of Surah Yaseen (a monumental chapter of the Qur’an).

But before that, a little context: this chapter resonates particularly with me, as it was the first chapter of the Qur’an I had committed to memory of my own volition. My late father was proud of me for taking on the challenge of memorising the 83 long and short (but mostly long) verses. It was again another Ramadan many years prior, that I had set myself the task of memorising it in 30 days. Each day just 3 verses – learning the English translation that helped me retain the Arabic words. The day of Eid, I completed it. I didn’t tell him. We performed our ritual ablutions, and then I stood to his left as the Imam (leader of the prayer) in congregational prayer, and he stood close to my right elbow. When two people stand close in prayer, it would not be unusual to feel the others’ micro-movements. And so I would sense his sudden elbow jerks, involuntary finger clicks, itching, that sort of stuff. As I began reciting, the first word of the verse “Yaseen”, he instantly stiffened, and I heard him intake a short, bated breath. As I continued, my considerable peripheral vision registered glistening tears falling from his face. Then the unmistakable sniffle. He wept as he heard my recitation. You see, he was illiterate and so for him, listening to the Qur’an was his way to connect to the Words of God.

Back to the voice that appeared mid=prayer.

“I love Allah, and Allah loves me”. That was it. It was so elegantly simple. “He made me, cherishes me, and fashioned me with purpose. I am His creative excellence”. I couldn’t believe what I was saying to myself. The tears flowed, the heart expanded and my breath was caught in between sobs.

Lord, I am not afraid anymore. I am not afraid to face You, I am not hiding my heart from You anymore. For surely if You made me, then I will embrace all of it. People can dislike it or hate it but that is not my concern. My only concern is You, and Me.

People reading this, listen well, all of you (I know it makes no biological sense to listen with the eyes, but when you read this, listen with your heart); ALLAH MAKES NO MISTAKES. Surah Yaseen verse 82 reads koon fayakoon “…Be! And it is!

And so just as it was decreed, I’m just going to Be.

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The Pragaymatic Muslim

1. 

   Ahahha. Thank you dear reader. Please do forward this on to those whom you think may benefit. High school is…

2. 

   Oh can’t wait for the next part. Very captivating.

3. 

   Merci beaucoup. If it pleases you then I will strive to compose more. Please spread the word and invite others…

4. 

   I like reading these!

5. 

   […] about how to suppress and repress the dark thoughts and suicidal ideations that plagued me at the turning point…